Megan the deaf mute. (revela) wrote,
Megan the deaf mute.

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I don't understand how the air around me can change so quickly... how in a matter of days things can seems so different and even more complicated. I'm getting over him. One step at a time, but still there is that nagging thought.. "He's leaving." And with that thought are so many doubts that come to rain on my parade. It used to be "no hurry to get you out" but now it seems wrong of me to be here, holding him back from what it is he wants most. .. on top of that I hate how one day we are fine and the next things seem to have changed completely. Again.

I could leave tomorrow. Stay at the studio. If I did that, there would be no use of finding a job, especially with the lack of showering.. And even if I wait until I find a job, I'm not sure that Wolfgang will let me keep it for long considering the tours and things... I'm so scared to make a wrong decision or say the wrong things to -anyone- that I'm also scared of being walked over. Nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I don't know what's best for me or my career and have adopted the "I'll just go with it until it sucks." motto. I really am doubting myself and everything I stand for... or think I stand for... and even though I have so many people to tell me I'm doing great and to hang in there, I know in the back of my mind those are things people feel they -should- say rather than stick with logic and reality. I myself have always been the one to comfort a troubled friend with the same words.. and though I believe in "everything has to be okay" it really doesn't. Things suck. You have to do something about it when things suck.. they don't just fix themselves. And so, that brings me back to what the fuck am I supposed to do?!

And again, loneliness finds me and I wish I had someone to feed me lies. Someone to make the world seem like a better place.. I'm beginning to lose hope of that, too.

I wish I had answers. And the option to remove tear ducts.
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